I just listened to an audiobook about how in every average man's DNA is a “Hero Instinct”. They want to feel like they are the hero to the one they love. What makes a man fall in love with a woman is if he can achieve being her hero. Well, it is of my own opinion that in every average woman's DNA there is an “I want a hero to come to my rescue and protect me” instinct. If this is the case, why are there so many relationship problems where both men and women are frustrated that they aren't deeply fulfilled all the way down to their DNA?
There is the person we really are deep within our souls and then there's the image we project to the outside world. Many times they don't match up and sometimes what we project to the outside world is the polar opposite of who we really are on the inside. Most of the time, we aren't even aware that the image we are projecting is attracting a person who is just the opposite of what our deepest desires long for. We don't know what we don't know. We have spent our entire lives trying to convince ourselves we don't want what our heart is telling us it needs so we keep putting bandaids on the severed limb thinking that one of those things is going to stick and hold all the gushing blood of hurt, emotions, fears, desires, and dreams that we long to share with another living soul.
To admit we all want to be able to fully trust a person with our deepest emotions and feel safe with them and actually need them in our lives, is perceived as weak to so many, but they couldn't be more wrong. It takes great courage to be willing to be vulnerable with another human being. To reveal your flaws, mistakes, weaknesses, failures and lifelong dreams and desires and then to trust that they aren't going to run for the hills when you finally open up to them. For if you expose your true self and you are rejected, you fear you have nothing more to give. This terrifies most of us, yet it is only through this act of being completely authentic that we can truly find the connection we have been craving all of our lives.
So often, we operate not on what our soul desires, but what it fears the most. We project what our fears dictate to us rather than what would bring closeness, safety and deep fulfillment. We never seem to realize that the more we project and operate on fear, the more isolated and alone we become. Fear feeds onto itself and is insatiable if we let it rule our life. Pastor Rick Warren said Fear is an acronym for “False Evidence Appearing Real”. Fears are based on our bad experiences and become a self-fulfilling prophesy if we continue to give into them until they are a huge monster that overtakes us.
If you have been a victim of abuse or trauma and haven't gone through the proper healing through therapy, there can be a lifetime of fears that have grown into all sorts of phobias, illnesses and mental disorders. Sometimes a childhood trauma can be so devastating that a psychological break happens and a person becomes a psychopath or sociopath who lives every moment of their lives making decisions based on their fears.
When I was a little girl, I wanted my daddy to be my hero. It sounds strange but over and over again, the little girl sees their daddy as their prince, protector and hero even if he is just the opposite. She's born with this desire. She's vulnerable, naive, weak and in need of a protector and a provider. For she is far too young to take care of herself on her own. She is drawn to the strength of a man to cover her with safety. In a healthy home, the first man to take this role of protector is her own father.
If you ask a little boy what he wants to be when he grows up, so many of them say, "a fireman, a policeman, a superhero". Why? It's because they already have this innate instinct to want to rescue and protect people. It is how they are designed.
What happens to these children when their father is not the protector and actually puts his children in harm's way? The children grow up feeling that no one is to be trusted and they are the only one that can protect themselves. Some take on the narcissist role and some take on the co-dependent role.
(to be continued)